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I miss the old me

I miss the old me, the one that never needed anyone, ever.

I'll always be right there

You left. I stayed. 

I'm still here.

I never knew where to move on

Copeland, Should You Return

But now there's nothing left to say to change your mind

And if you're just sinking down

I will be pulling on your line

But now there's nothing left to do but waste my time

I never knew where to move on

I never knew what to rely upon

But now there's nothing left to say to change your mind

And if you're unhappy still

I will be hanging on your line, should you return

Beating me like a panic attack

Copeland, By My Side

It's taking time, all this fear I pushed back to move on

Beating me like a panic attack since you've gone

And if I never fear to be more alone, I do now

I turn to see my faded tracks in the snow

I've come so far with no idea where to go

And if I never fear to be more alone, I do now

I do now

Part-time lover

I'm afraid. Even though it's over.

Long days and long nights await ahead.

When there is no choice about it

Ashton Kutcher, A Brief Lesson On Pain

When it is too long, when it is too late, when there is no choice about it, we are not really growing. We are not really taking charge of our lives. It is not easy. Some of us will just say: "Okay, it is an opportunity; let me wait." No! We really need to be proactive. We really need to look at the wakeup before we reach the place where there is no way to return.

Once you want it to begin

John Mayer, Heartbreak Warfare

Once you want it to begin

No one really ever wins

In heartbreak warfare 

.

.

Red wine and Ambien

You're talking shit again

It's heartbreak warfare

Good to know it's all a game

Disappointment has a name

It's heartbreak warfare

I won't be too far

Copeland, Hold Nothing Back

Do what you want but I know who you are

Say what you want but I know what you are thinking

Go where you want but I won't be too far

Go where you want and I know where you'll end up

If you fall in love

Fall in love and hold nothing back

I'll fall in love

Fall in love and hold nothing back from you, oh...

You never made your peace with it

I'm the weakest link. I'm letting myself in to fresh hell all over again. I thought I can't hurt anymore. What a demeaning lie. You can, just that the hurt is now coupled with numbing cold. You cannot escape some things in life, because those are facts. Facts such as the fact that I am a depressive. The fact that I cannot go back to my past anymore. The fact that I keep trying to slip back to my past even though I shouldn't. How long is it going to take for me to get over everyone? It's been long enough. I cannot get over anyone, I can only try to forget with every day goes by. I know I can never get over the hurt. And still, I trudge on.

I found out today that Copeland is coming to the country for their farewell tour. I feel emotional over this because I don't wish to say goodbye to Copeland. I love them, this band. I remember all the nights filled with conflicted emotions, scrobbling their songs on iTunes. I remember all the times I'd been on the train listening to them on my iPod, and even sniffling because the songs hit me so hard with memories. 

And the only person I want to see Copeland for the last time with is not around anymore. I'm not over his death.

Copeland, What Cannot Be Found

And love put up an awful fight

You never made your peace with it

So stay where you are, and hold what you love

And feel what you want, and know all the while

Don't hurt 'til it's done

Not that us ever really existed

Anne, from The Darling Child

I don't know what happened to us but now we don't exist. There's you and there's me and there's the state lines between California and Texas and there's the stars that we both look at but there is not an us anymore. 

Not that us ever really existed, but I must admit it was so lovely to hold on the tip of my tongue and so pleasant to think of I just pretended it did. You couldn't commit to anyone who had uncontrollable bouts of instability and I couldn't be in love with someone if I didn't know what love is.

I was just doing what I was told.

P.S. Sorry I rambled, I know that used to annoy you sometimes.

P.P.S. Bastard.