myblog

I can't keep loving you

John Mayer, Half Of My Heart

Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

Half of my heart takes time

Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

That I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)

Oh, with half of my heart

With her eyes still closed

Marbie Zing & Nathaniel Taylor, The Spell Book of Listen Taylor by Jaclyn Moriarty

He had carved off most of his voice, and the leftover bit was as cold as a dental instrument. Marbie had to close her eyes.

"Uh-huh," she breathed, with her eyes still closed. "If that's what you think."

"That's what I think."

I’ve stopped trying to find, any peace in my mind

I had a dream last night. Or rather, in the early hours of the morning. The same subject came back to haunt me again. I wasn't surprised at all, only resigned.

The only thing remotely good out of the subject is that I'd held myself with grace. I'm relatively tired from reliving the details which come and go from my mind as they please. There's this strange feeling, and all I want to do is wish them well despite everything. I'm never going back.

I'm liable to say

The Catcher In The Rye by J.D. Salinger

I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful. If I'm on my way to the store to buy a magazine, even, and somebody asks me where I'm going, I'm liable to say I'm going to the opera. It's terrible.

I can only conclude that I was not made for here

My ex-part-time employer did not (and will not) pay me for one morning shift I have done, and there were no grounds for negotiation. I'd gone plain blank and numb over this matter. I don't know why I'm putting the blame on myself when it's the effin' employer's problem. Is it because it serves me right to be juggling two jobs, so what happened is what I deserve? That doesn't make sense, because I only just begun the work. With this incident, I realised I'm acting like a pushover again. It's one of the worst ways to live under most circumstances.

Also, I was on the train and those memories had started up again. I felt a little more affected than I usually get now. One thing's definite: I did myself in with my over-imaginative nature.

I count it all as lost

I didn't only try my best but rather, I'd also done my best. I should feel gratified, and not worry that I'm turning obsolete.

My soul slides away

I'm the only one person in this entire terra who has never failed me and has always loved me for who I am. But for the first time in all my twenty years today, I actually look down on myself. And this particular feeling has never been within my radar at all. Not even when I'd experienced depressive episodes that I cannot help having (of which I used to detest myself for them but never felt as if I was a lesser being than anyone else), as I'm not sorry for the way I am. So, this is a cause for panic. 

In short, you only have one choice, and there is no turning back

Life has gotten pretty aimless. I haven't had it all figured out, but hopefully things are going to work out in due time. 

I'm tweaking things here and there in Facebook these days as I've discovered how informative the entertainment newsfeeds can be, and am also determined to keep the friends' list small this time. I'm quite the private person, and I'm going to ignore those twits who have such a competitive streak in them they pronounce you someone from Loser-ville if you don't have 250 friends and 500 photos of you tagged in albums. Stuff and bother.

I can't go back

Failure To Launch: When Beauty Fades by Elizabeth Wurtzel

People who say they have no regrets, that they don't look back in anger, are either lying or boring, not sure which is worse. Because if you've lived a full life and don't feel bad about some of what you did, pieces are missing. Still, there are some mistakes that one is eventually too old - either literally or spiritually - to correct. I can't go back.

When I close my eyes to this paradox place

I'm a person of irony. I get particularly bitter and depressed when people decided they don't wish to give me a chance (after all), not before they'd messed my feelings around, spiking them with lies. Enough. 

So here I am now not giving someone else a chance. A chance they'd wanted. I realised it this week. More than a month had went by since. It's a simple thing they want: to get to know me better, hang out etc.

I had the power; all I had to do was say yes. But I gave it up. I think it's all over now. I was kind of berating myself today, wondering what was the matter with me. They'd seemed perfectly nice. I don't know them very well, but that will forever be the case if I don't even do the most obvious thing: to agree, to give them a chance to know me, and a chance for myself to see if they are/aren't psychotic. 

I figured it out. Most likely I was too scared, and to ever say yes to anyone anymore. And I should understand. I'd stopped the personal pep talk in my head immediately. A new pep talk had surfaced, and it's about how I have every reason to be cautious. I have a concrete reason as to why I'm becoming people-phobic. Because people continue to disappoint me. But sometimes I think this reason is wearing off; it cannot back me up for much longer.